In an earlier post, I referenced the fact that two of our children will be going back to public school next year. One of my readers asked if I might share how we came to that decision.

I definitely can’t go into the nitty-gritty details of why, but I know it must be a question for others. I am literally asking the Lord to show me HOW to do this because homeschooling has been what we do for nearly 5 years now.

I am not sure how to start and where to stop.

I have alluded to the fact that we’ve been dealing with some issues here in our home, and I have shared before about the difficult journey we’ve found ourselves upon as parents to children from hard places and/or with problematic behaviors.

I just can’t go into a lot of details, but I will say in general that lack of respect is a major sticking point. I remember a seasoned homeschool Momma telling me years ago that it is impossible if not extremely difficult to teach your own children if they have a general lack of respect for you and/or don’t respect home rules in general. That is definitely a place we’ve found ourselves camped out for quite some time with some of our children, despite what I think are our best efforts (if exhaustion is any indication) to try and redirect them.I don’t love teaching math. I haven’t kept that one a secret. I will teach it though and do teach it. But when one of my students tells me repeatedly things like:

“You’re a bad teacher.”

“You’re not a real teacher.”

“I don’t have to listen to you.”

It isn’t hard to see how that isn’t going to work for a productive lesson or classroom. I know many people might sit and read and think, Well you need to do this or you need to do that. You need to have consequences. Your husband needs to take charge.

Believe me, we’ve tried a lot. We are still trying. We have sought the help of myriad professionals and medications. We have sought the Lord.

I don’t know why, but He remains silent. I have cried out to Him, my husband has as well, and others pray for us specifically in this. I know it sounds almost tragic to think of sending a child who is oppositional and disrespectful away from your home more, but sometimes you have to do the hard things as a parent.

Another of our children has made some decisions as of late that have affected others in our family and in this way he too has shown disrespect. Through some evaluations done in light of all we’ve learned about his behaviors, it was strongly recommended he should be in a “public school setting.” So that in short started the ball rolling toward placing him in public school next year.

I am not looking forward to it. I am not against public schools. I am not a homeschool parent who feels my child will be damaged for life in there. I don’t think I can teach them better in all things, especially math.

I just will miss a lot: my children, being able to pick up and travel whenever it fits our schedule, no homework most of the time, being together, seeing them learn, watching them sit and read for hours because I know there just won’t be time for that once they start middle school, having all of us on the same schedule (I’m going to meeting myself coming and go so much next year :).

Speaking of being together, another issue we’ve been struggling to deal with is how we should treat others. I won’t say that only two of our children have issue with this, but they do struggle with it more and ways that least lasting effects. I also won’t say that our home is toxic, but at times it can be a real struggle to keep the peace especially between these two going back to public school.

It would seem they just won’t quit fighting. I don’t know why. Well I do know they don’t like each other and I suspect they truly don’t have love for one another. It saddens me deeply, but I can’t fix it. I have to trust the Lord is doing something much greater than I can see, because from my vantage point their relationships toward one another are very broken and at times appear beyond repair.

I wish it wasn’t so and I wish a lot of things, but the fact remains that I feel like I have failed these two sons or they wouldn’t be going to public school next year. I know the enemy likes to plant these seeds in our heads, and I am allowing him way too much space at the moment. So I have to trust the Lord and my husband in this. First of all, why wouldn’t I want to follow God? Second of all, I trust my husband is seeking the Lord’s will in this decision to send two of our sons to the school and I will follow his lead on it.

I want our boys to succeed in becoming the men of God that our Father has created them to be. I want to be a help and not a hindrance as they grow up. I want to be their Momma and to show them unconditional love. I want them to want that.

I don’t know where this road will lead, but I know we are taking it so I am asking the Lord to show me how to walk it out and to help us do it in a way that brings honor to Him.